About the author

Sarah Bunce is a qualified counsellor, accredited with the BACP, with more than 16 years’ experience. She’s the Adult Counselling Service Lead at Havens Hospices. Sarah leads our Adult Counselling Service and Lightwell Counselling Service, as well as supporting clients and delivering training.

This week is Baby Loss Awareness Week. It’s a time to remember every baby who has died, and to support the families who love them.

If you know someone whose baby has died, it can be hard to know what to say. We often worry we’ll upset them, so we stay silent.

But saying nothing can feel worse for parents who are already grieving. Here are some simple ways you can be there for them.

Acknowledge what’s happened

When you see the parents, acknowledge their baby’s death. A simple “I’m so sorry” can mean a lot.

Try to avoid phrases like “at least you know you can get pregnant” or “you can always try again”. People usually mean well when they say these things. But they make a parent’s grief feel smaller, and they rarely help.

Use their baby’s name

Some parents choose to name their baby. If they have, use that name when you talk about them.

Their baby mattered to them. Saying their baby’s name shows that you care too.

Ask, then listen

You can ask if they’d like to talk about what happened. Then respect whatever they decide.

If they want to talk, just listen. You don’t need to think of something clever to say. Nothing you say can fix this, so don’t try. Listening and understanding how they feel is enough.

If they don’t want to talk, respect that too. Baby loss is deeply personal and often traumatic. They may not be ready right now. Let them know you’re there whenever they are.

Offer practical help

Practical help can make a real difference. You could cook them a meal, or help look after their other children if they have them.

“Let me know if you need anything” is kind, but it isn’t always helpful. Most people won’t reach out and ask. Offering something specific makes it easier for them to say yes.

Remember important dates

Try to remember dates that matter, like their baby’s due date. These days can be especially hard and emotional.

If you know when they are, you can check in and offer extra support when it’s needed most.

Remember dads too

When a baby dies, people often rally around mum. Dads’ feelings can be forgotten. But dads are grieving too, and they need support as well.

It’s one reason Vilomah Baby Loss Charity began life as FC Vilomah. It started in 2019 as a grassroots football team bringing together bereaved dads.

Everyone feels different emotions after baby loss, depending on what’s happened. There’s no right way to feel. The best thing you can do is listen, avoid the clichés and simply be there.

Support from Lightwell Counselling

At Lightwell Counselling, part of Havens Hospices, our counsellors are specially trained to support people after baby loss. We offer one-to-one counselling in a safe, confidential space.

We’ve partnered with local Essex based charity, Vilomah Baby Loss, a charity founded by bereaved parents. Vilomah funds counselling sessions with us for parents who meet their criteria. This means we can reach families who might not usually get support from a hospice.

To find out more, visit vilomahbabylosscharity.org.uk or email vilomahbabylosscharity@gmail.com.